trigger

A self-proclaimed reader. It was a label I was given to myself few years ago. Truth be told, I was not. Oh yes, every time people asked what my hobby was, I would immediately say “Reading.” I read books, occasionally. I could read manga a whole lot, but novel? not so much.

To label myself as an avid reader now, it might be true. Seeing a lot of  books in bookstore or library is kind of turn on for me. I could spend my morning and night just by reading. These last six months I already read over 160 books. Satisfied? I would say so. By reading a book, I could find myself to feel an awful lot of emotions. It’s like you ride a rollercoaster, thrilled, excited, and anticipated.

Though I claimed myself as an avid reader, I only read certain genres. My most favorite, of course, romance. Yep, blame the melancholy thingy in my blood. Most importantly, I avoid tear-jerker slash heartbreaking books with all my heart because I am a sucker for happy endings.

But last night was exception.

Source: Goodreads Page (Me Before You by Jojo Moyes)

Source: Goodreads Page (Me Before You by Jojo Moyes)

Ever read the book above? For you who have not or intend to, I am telling you. If you were like me, a sucker for happy endings that is, please prolong yourself and read it until you…emotionally prepared.

This book succeeded to turn me as an emotional wreck. No kidding. I started weeping from one-third of the book. I couldn’t help but sobbing. Me Before You brutally ripped my heart. I felt nothing unless painful. A few scenes, even after I cried a river, played in my head would make my eyes teary. Call me hyperbolic? I could care less. I dare you to read it and put your sweetest smile for me when you read the last page. Yes, I dare you.

I kind of picky if it comes to book. Sad ending books will only make me cry and leave me devastated. I SO DON’T WANT THAT. Remember The Fault in Our Stars by John Green? While half people in the world race to read it as fast as they can and wipe their nose with a kleenex, I, on the other hand, convince myself that THAT kind of book can wait. So yep, until now, I have not read TFIOS.

So why Me Before You? First, the premise seemed promising. Second, you were straightaway hooked. I had a copy since long ago but decided to give it a try yesterday. Even after one of my Goodreads friend warned me. I knew it then, that this kind of book…is a book which you knew you’re going to cry…a book which gave you the bad feelings along the pages. But you know…as naive as I come, deep down I just hoped that it would eventually have some beautiful and happy ending. I pretended that some authors could really make a joke. That the story is paradox. And how did that tiny little hope I have end up with? It crushed.

Painful. Devastated. Punched in the gut. Weeping tears. Sobbing. Brutal. Emotionally drained. Unbelievably tragic. Yeah, you name it. I spent my night and the next morning to finish it. I couldn’t bring myself to put it down. It was so…beautifully written. You would feel beyond what you expected. Then in the morning, after I stopped weeping, I decided to sleep. Less than two hours, I awoke and found myself still emotionally drained. To think that taking a shower would help me, it was wrong. I was like a leaked faucet. I recalled some scenes from the book and I would start sobbing. I even asked myself, “what the heck is wrong with me?”. Usually, emotional wreck would fade away until a few hours. This book? Hell, it broke my heartbreaking book record.

Or it probably was a trigger. A couple months ago, when a doctor told me that I should go under surgery, I didn’t even cry. I didn’t even have a slightest worry to make me teary. Me Before You was a trigger for me. It leaked my tear duct. I reflected memories and events that I thought I was numb. After a long sobbing and cry, I stopped.  That trigger successfully relieved some burden I didn’t realize I had.

If you ask me whether Me Before You was recommended, I would gladly say, “Hell yes. I even gave 5 stars on Goodreads. Just so you know, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you how painfully beautiful this book was.” And if you ask me whether I would like to read another heartbreaking book, I would say sternly, “No, thank you. I don’t think I have reasonable amount of tears left. Skip.”

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