we’re both pathetic

All characters and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is strictly coincidental.

I lit up my second cigarette and inhaled the nicotine deeply. Puffed the smoke through my nose slowly. I needed the nicotine as I needed a second breath. As I felt the nicotine started to work to relieve my nerves, I began to replay the scene ten minutes ago in my head.

There were my boyfriend and pretty brown haired girl in his arms. Too intimate to convince myself that they were just friends. I froze as I saw my handsome boyfriend smirked and whispered something that made that girl giggled her bitchy giggling. I tried to close my eyes, pretending to never saw what happened right in front of my eyes. Failed. As a masochist I was, I tortured myself by keep seeing my boyfriend kissed the girl’s neck. Seeing was believing. I turned my body and ran so they both did not have a chance to get caught. Nice job, GheYou just gave them time to finish what they started, I said sarcastically to myself.

And here I was. Sitting on the bench under seven feet tree, smoking like no one cared. Again, I inhaled another deep nicotine, enjoyed every cell in my body got its nerve-relief.

“Didn’t you stop smoking for months?” said someone behind me.

No need to turn around and see who was speaking to me, I puffed the smoke real slowly.

“And you will stop answering my question now?” he asked as he sat beside me without trying to snatch the cigarette between my index and middle finger.

“Will you stop worrying about me?” I countered.

“You know the answer already.”

Yeah, of course I know. You won’t stop even if I beg you to, I snorted in my mind. Jimmy, my best friend’s boyfriend, decided to stop loving me secretly two months ago. In return, he declared he loved me, knowing that I still laid my loyalty to my betrayal boyfriend, knowing that I rejected him already.

“Who is she?” I asked him before I inhaled my half cigarette.

“Another groupies.”

I snorted. “Yeah, right. Doesn’t she know he has a girlfriend who by any fat chance might see them making out in front of your trailer?”

“You know every girl in groupies doesn’t have any brain. All they eat goes to their fake breasts,” he mocked skeptically.

“Fortunately, my boyfriend loves brainless girls who have fake breasts.” I laughed wryly.

“Don’t you think enough is enough?” he asked by positioning himself to give his all attention to me.

I, who was afraid I could have mental breakdown by seeing his kindness all over his face, stayed to see straight. “You think I didn’t have any forgiveness  left to give? Wrong. It’s not that I didn’t have it, it’s because I wanted to give it endlessly. I wanted to forgive as long as he asked me. I wanted to forgive as long as he came back to me in the end. I lost count on how many girls he cheated. I… I don’t even want to know anymore.”

“He’s a lucky bastard.”

“I am a pathetic fool.”

Not interested to finish my cigarette, I dropped it under my sneakers and without mercy I stepped on it. “He was the reason I stopped smoking. Yet he was the reason I smoke again.”

“You know I wouldn’t let you to face this crap,” he said it quietly.

I turned to face him. I gave him my fake comforting smile, “I know you wouldn’t.”

“So let me,” he replied sternly.

I shook my head. “I don’t think I could give love you deserve, Jim.”

He clenched his jaw before he spoke, “I am not complaining, Ghe. Mine is enough for both of us.”

Deep down, I knew what he said was true. His love was so unconditional I believed it didn’t matter. But… “I am not good enough for you.”

“It’s not you to decide,” I could hear the objection in his voice.

I smiled the smile that didn’t reach my eyes. I knew he liked my smile, whether it’s fake or not. “We’re both pathetic.” I laughed as I looked away. “We both can’t have what we want. Don’t you think it’s time for us to stop asking more than what we have?”

“What are you talking about?” Confusion spread on his face.

“It’s time for you to give up on me. And it’s time for me to give up wanting more from him.”

He shook his head furiously. “Do you think I’ll let him to step on you again? After what you’ve been through?”

“Jim…”

“I’ll show you what you’re worth, Ghe. I’ll show you that you deserve me and I you.” He gave me his angelic smile as he brushed my hair smoothly and cupped my right cheek. “You know I care about you, don’t you?”

I only nodded. He stood up and gave me reassuring smile. Then he turned away.

I knew where he was heading. I bet I would be asked to lick my boyfriend’s wound in any twenty minutes from now. Sighing, I looked up to the cloudy sky. Why is it not Jim that I loved?

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