how long has it been?

[This post was supposed to be posted before reckless, foolish, and curious]

Wow, even I missed August in this year. Not even one post. Incredible how I didn’t feel itchy to write anything. Actually, there’s so much I want to write and share here. Too much until I had no idea where I needed to start. Shall we begin? 🙂

So, on the last post I wrote some rubbish about explanation why I was missing for two months. Now, I am writing to explain why I was missing in a month. Is this blog some kind of confession trash? Yeah, rite. I made this blog is not for the sake of human being happiness or with the purpose to please someone. Was made merely to remind my short-term-memory brain if one day I get amnesia. Lame joking.

On the last post I told you how I went through the last semester in my junior year. Here I am telling you about the period while I was waiting the result of the exams and applying internship programs.

To be honest, I did not intend to rush the internship programs. At first, I was so excited and full of spirit asking here and there about internship. I also prepared my CV and application letter much long beforehand than others. I will not get tired by saying this, I am getting older, so I just need to sort things wisely. So the thought of spending “quality time with your family when you still have time” comes first. I chose my family. I DID still apply some internships opening as long as it needs to send all the requirements by email. Then I heard some of my friends already got accepted in certain companies. The some becomes most. So I felt a little insecure. “Waw, they already had it. So why are you still fooling around?” I talked to myself. Because every time my friends asked me where I do my internship, I would always say playfully, “Selowww aja. Ngapain buru-buru? Magang doang kok dibikin stres. Jodoh aja selow, masa magang stres?” Yeah, I was a terrible liar. I meant what I said, but still, a little part of me was worried. So what I did is not to be around with friends who had it. Sorry to say, but if any of your friends has not got what everyone supposedly has, don’t brag yourself too much. It will just make these people who haven’t got it YET, insecure and inferior. Really. To keep my chin up, I talk a lot with the same-fate friends. Haha, it’s funny, because when you’re near them, unknowingly you turn become a supporter and tough person. I cheer them up while saying, “Tenang, kamu gak sendiri kok. Udah lah, selow aja. Pasti dapet magang.” At least, they will have a little relieve feeling, knowing me has the same situation.

And so, with a light heart, I went home. I planned not to stay too long in Bandung, a week was the longest. Need to take care organization stuffs before full-retired. Until one day. I casually check my inbox mail, because I rarely to do so if I was in Bandung. No important messages, then I checked the spam. Seriously, when I read the email, it’s… It somehow made me want to burst in tears. But I was not crying. I feel like… what you called it, an unexpected miracle? Err, I still don’t have a courage to tell more. Will tell you more the further progress next time. I promise. 🙂

After that unexpected miracle, I received another one. God is truly too kind. I mean, I am not really such an obedient kid (what? kid? you’re above twenty!). Correction, I am not really such an obedient girl (yeah, twenty-something is still young right?). It’s not like the-seventeen-year-old Clara, who had every single thing in mind is according to what bible said, to what preachers said. I am not. I rebel, sometimes. Easy, it’s not like I am not a believer anymore, but you can say I am not into it deeply lately. Alright, I talk too much. So another miracle is, I was called to walk-in-interview the next few days in Jakarta, as I planned to take care the organization stuffs. I had nothing to lose, so I didn’t put too much hope on it. Well, the next day after the interview, it turned out that the user preferably wants an apprentice with secretarial background. Don’t matter. I thought if it’s the best for the user, so be it, I don’t want if I made it I’ll be a burden. Hell no. So I still stayed in Jakarta for a while, somehow I enjoyed being jobless and living alone. Haha, totally introvert. The next day after I got the rejection message, I was called again and asked if I would be ready to work on Monday. Well, I wouldn’t say no. So here I am, every morning I will get up much earlier than days when I go to college. Wearing a skirt, heels, wedges, and handbag. Curling up my hair so I look a bit mature (Okay, I love when friends call me a kindergarten kid, elementary student, or Putri Kidzania. It feels refreshing, knowing you look so much younger than your age. But when I need to apply the internship, somehow I get a bit scared because I look childish. Do companies want to hire school kid to work? Yeah, that kind of thoughts made me want to look mature. But at the same time, I hate it when friends told me I was suited to be working woman. I had situation) and maintaining a loud and child-like me. If you call it hypocrite, well, then everybody is.

After a week with full spirit and dedication to become a reliable apprentice, I found a fact. I am not suited working behind the desk, do as what your boss said, and bla bla bla. But, I am not aspiring to be an entrepreneur either. When I am writing on my keyboard and need to sit behind my notebook, looking at the screen for hours, I… I regained my composure. You call it a therapy. Cooling my head off, expressing so much mixed-feeling into words, telling the story that you already played the plot hundred times in your brain and rewind it again. I feel at peace.

The peace I feel is different with what people think. When I told my parents about my internship, I told them “Ih, ternyata gak enak kerja teh. Capek, harus duduk. Kalau ngantuk gak bisa curi-curi tidur. Kalau pas kuliah kan enak, bisa tidur di kelas, kalau bosen bisa keluar kelas dulu.” Then my mom said, “Iya, emangnya kamu kira kerja itu enak?” As always, my dad will say, “Ya kerja emang gitu, tapi kamu harus bener-bener.” I just can’t think how they survive to be employee for such a long time. Casually, I blurt out about my enjoyment in writing. I didn’t tell them about I aspire to be a writer, yet. My dad said, “Iya gak apa-apa, itu kan emang hobi kamu. Kamu lakukan untuk menyalurkan hobi aja.” As seeing my mom, I told this, “Gak cuma hobi, aku kerjanya mau kayak gini.” They became silent.

I truly knew what they were going to say. Such “Kalau kamu jadi penulis, dari mana kamu bisa makan?”, “Penulis itu gak bisa bikin kaya”, “Gak usahlah lah jadiin kerjaan, jadiin hobi aja”, or else with the same meaning. I didn’t tell them how I can find my happiness to write and some people read it, though they become silent reader, I am so much happy seeing my blog got hit. Or how I extremely strive in this writing stuff because few good friends believe in me, truly know that I enjoy in this, and loyally give me an encouragement while I was at the dale. I truly treasure you guys, thank you. (Oh God, I am in tears now)

Okay, aside tear jerker topic. Reaching a junior year, I became care less about my GPA. It’s not that I refuse to study then I got failed at the exams, I don’t have a courage to do that. But, making the highest score so then the number of GPA dazzlingly shines is not my aim. I am satisfied with all I’ve got until this time. So, I didn’t put too much hope on the sixth semester, I would just gladly accept all the score unless below C. But did you know, miracle happens when you are unaware. It happens when you are ready to accept the worst thing, when you already lower yourself and let God do the rest. Yes, miracle happens. The subject Managing International Business is one of my miracles. The lecturer is my previous Marketing Management’s lecturer. She’s unexpected. And every subject she taught, surprisingly always made me in a jaw. Both subject has same fate. The midterm results are ugly. Super ugly. When most of my friends could get score above 85, I got sixty something. Is the world already this cruel before? I believe I already did all the best I could and when the lecturer discuss the answers, I remember clearly that I did the similar. Then, the final exams came and the score came out. I was ready to take her class for the next year, yeah, I prepared for the worst. But, I got an excellent number, very much far than I hoped. As my final exams results were pretty good, I can withstand my targeted GPA.  Though I was so sure I did an untidy and ugly final exams, but the results were so amazing. Just want you to know Mrs. Tri Wismiarsi, I heart you ♥ 🙂

Oh, and one thing. Recently, I made myself busy with new thing I found interesting. If you already read the post below, yes, I am so into the android. Though I don’t entirely understand, I mean, it’s boy stuffs, isn’t it? Well, I need to divide my 24 hours between internship, college, sleeping, and doing this stuff. Pretty much use up my energy. Correction, not pretty much but almost make me similar like a granny. Weak, aches, and worn out. But I love doing those things. End of this post, it is really nice to write again in my last saved breath in each busy day. Be safe, all of you 🙂

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